Kids and Commandments

Firstly, an explanation.. Having been the brunt of my 5 year elder brother’s sarcasm and spite during the first 20 years of my life, in addition to an inferiority complex I became mentally committed, (not to a nut-house, you understand, although I probably should have been,) to a future principle. To avoid my offspring being similarly maltreated, any family I eventually produced, I decided, should comprise children whose births would be as close together as possible. I got my wish. The first son was born via caesarean section and due to a lack of wifely soreness, a second son was conventionally born within 10 months. The third son chose to emerge 11 weeks prematurely and the result was 3 sons with only 18 months separating their ages. By the time they’d become teenagers, a number of parental grievances came to a head and I decided to issue my sons with a set of instructions..

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

And it came to pass, the Holy Father did become mightily racked-off, and spake unto the Holy Mother, crying, “Verily, verily I say unto Thee, My cup runneth over ..these Thy Children are yet as heathen and a right pain in the loins.” And the Holy Father smote His brow and darkness and a great sadness fell upon the land. And yeah verily, on that day the Holy Father went forth and shortly afterward, fifth also, and spake thus unto the Holy Mother, “I shall visit upon Them, a plague of boils”. But yea, the Holy Mother was great in Her wisdom, saying, “’Too late, They are of such age that all three are yet cursed with boils, even unto Their hindquarters!”.

And that day was yet nigh when the Holy Son, Carl of the Toilet-of-Death, did ungird His loins and brought forth a mighty stench the like of which had not been smelled since Satan did consume 28 pints of Guinness, 11 Onion Bhajees, 7 gallons of Chicken Vindaloo and shat upon the City of Jordan for a Larf. And the Holy Father wept, saying, “Forgive Them Father, for They know not what They pooh”.

That day, still nigh, the Holy Son, Robert of the Wicked Tackle entered the house of the Lord and the Holy Father looked down and saw it was it was not good, for that elder Son’s temple raiment was in sore disarray, and the Holy father cried, “These, Thy slacks once Holy are now holey! How did this come to pass my Son?” And that Son did cast down His eyes and spake thus unto the Holy Father. “Larkin’ about in green pastures, Messiah!” And the Holy father did in haste depart for He did mistakenly believe the Holy slacks contained Mess Higher up in the loins area.

And lo, it came to pass, the Holy Father’s last born Son did sorely vex His Master by leaving unextinguished many Holy lights and leaving unclosed all the Holy doors of the Kingdom of Heaven.

And lo, the Holy Father did see fit to pass unto His Sons, Ten Commandments, saying, “Verily, verily I say unto Thee, only by these Commandments shall Ye dwell in the House of the Lord and yea, I shall bung Thee some extra pieces of silver for Thy Holy pockets.” And the three Holy Sons did praise Their Holy Father with many hymns and a couple of hers for good measure. Yet, the Holy Father was unimpressed, for many times had He wished to walk upon the waters of the Holy upstairs lavatory but did find the waters were no more and were replaced with Holy Boy-Piss. Worse yet, the Holy Father had, many times, retreated from that sacred high place when a Holy Son had dumped most foully and no air could be breathed.

And the Holy Father spake unto His Holy Sons, saying, “In His mercy, the Lord Giveth, yet He also taketh away, and if Thou breakest these My Commandments, I shalt withhold some, or all of Thy Holy dosh..

1. Thou shalt not leave unclosed the Holy doors in the Rooms of the Kingdom of Heaven.
2. Thou shalt extinguish the Holy lights in all the Rooms of the Kingdom of Heaven.
3. Thou shalt Hoover the House of the Lord forever.
4. Thou shalt not dump in the Holy upstairs lavatory.
5. Thou shalt not depart the Holy upstairs lavatory leaving the Holy carpets in disarray.
6. Thou shalt not, on pain of eternal damnation, leave Holy Boy-Piss on the floor.
7. Thou shalt not render impassable the Holy Mother’s Futility Room with Holy Boy-Junk.
8. If Thy name is Carl of the Toilet of Death, Thou shalt dump in either:
8a. Another country.
8b. Some other poor bugger’s house, or..
8c. In the Holy downstairs lavatory with the Holy window wide open and preferably when the Holy Father is in either, 8a or 8b.
9. Thou shalt mow the Holy Green Pastures.
10. Thou shalt be scholarly and give Thy Holy Mother and Father cause to be very proud.

Amen